Wolves covered in fleece: Het dudes in their own words

In which Menomena talks about [presumably het*] dating.

* I have no idea whether and which members of Menomena are het or not. And I understand that the partnering scene can get pretty hairy for gay and lesbian people as well. But for the interest of this essay, we are going to talk about heteros, more specifically hetero men.

Thanks, guys, for your input! I’m sure you never thought your song would become fodder for a radical feminist blog, but never say never.

Now, I am pretty sure that this song, like this post, is heavily tongue-in-cheek. But, as with this post, that doesn’t make it any less true.

The male libido as a wild, uncontrollable beast. Their sexuality like an unscratchable itch. Het dating rituals as like unto a fight, complete with the baring of teeth. Males understanding themselves as wolves in sheep’s clothing, meaning women ostensibly are the [unsuspecting?] sheep.

What else does this make you think of?

Men often seem quite … taken aback when they hear women, especially feminists, discuss them as predatory creatures. But here you have it, in their own words, albeit in a wry way rife with double entendres and alliterations, a great uptempo beat, some pretty sweet guitar work, and unconventional time signatures (I am a sucker for those unconventional time signatures).

Perhaps Justin Harris is as horrified by the dating/bar scene as I am and always was; it seems that may be the case. Good for him, I suppose. But regardless of whether he’s seen this particular wizard behind this particular curtain, he’s probably, by which I mean definitely, not as horrified about it as I was.

Because I will say with almost near certainty that Justin Harris does not have a uterus and vagina, and is/was never worried that he was seated opposite (or beside) someone who might possibly be waiting for the opportune time (eg, for his defenses to go down) so as to cajole, coerce, or openly force him (possibly with the use of drugs or alcohol) into an unwanted sex act that could leave him traumatized, physically injured, and/or pregnant with an unwanted child.

Just clearing that up.

Anyway, though I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir: the het dating world is slimy and fake, it’s no good for anybody, and yes, you should trust the funny feeling in your gut that tells you not to trust that person who’s (drunkenly or not drunkenly) trying to charm you.

Decent dudes will openly admit that. Truly good dudes (if they can be said to exist) will do something about it (ie, eschew het dating). But judging by the number of men I see leering all over women both inside and in front of bars all over New York City, that is too much to ask and it sure ain’t happening any time soon.

And now, because I’m tired of talking about dudes: for women, I have only this to say.

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12 Responses to Wolves covered in fleece: Het dudes in their own words

  1. joy says:

    Another of my most-favoritest musical acts has a song about this too, but it is not quite as concise or eloquent and it’s much more depressing. As in, even the singer is depressed about what he’s singing about (bothering to go out to meet and presumably socialize with strangers), so depressed that while watching him sing it, you keep wondering when he’s going to just put a gun into his mouth. He has no idea why he’s doing all of this, either. And that’s the point of the song.

    (All this is made either much better or much worse by the fact that the songwriter is, let’s say, not exactly 100% hetero.)

    You’d think these dudes would all eventually get to the end point of this thought process (“why am I doing this? I don’t even like doing it. I feel so sad … maybe I’ll stop”). But no. That does not happen. It rarely even happens with women in the same situation.
    I was recently in the proximity of a Thirty Rock episode about this: that most women cannot seem to stop dating, even when it makes them miserable. Because there might be A Good One right around the corner! One more frog, surely the next one will really be a prince!

    That and they’re terrified of becoming spinsters. (In the case of Thirty Rock, their friends, families, and coworkers are terrified of them becoming spinsters, and thus force, cajole, bully, pressure, and/or trick them into keepin’ on keepin’ on, just kissing one more frog after another.)

    Thanks, cultural brainwashing and het grooming.

  2. FAB Libber says:

    You don’t even have to be participating in the het dating world to fall victim to it either. I was out playing pool in the local pub with my mate, she went home earlier, and my beer got spiked. Luckily I came to before anything happened, but it was close, I was nearly packed raped by three or four young dudes.

    From the song:
    with every passing night my conscience lessens
    and seems to pacify these guilt filled sessions
    now I’m a social pest but not yet willing
    to put my laws to rest till I’m done filling these holes
    http://www.metrolyrics.com/taos-lyrics-menomena.html

    Rather chilling. The het ‘dating scene’, even though it always had it in part, seems more like a conquest scene. They behave like predators too, turning on the charm, or flat out lying, or drugging your drinks, there is no line they are not willing to cross. It’s not about sex, it is about conquest.

    • joy says:

      Yes, exactly. It’s entirely about conquest. If men really just wanted the orgasm, they’d jerk off. They need to throw that spaghetti at that wall, just to see if it will stick. They need that domination, they need to roll the dice, they need the thrill.

      Dudes will keep going in search of conquest. Women keep going in search of approval, and out of fear that not doing it is worse.

      (And I noticed those lines too — they’re what made my eyebrows shoot up, and I actually said aloud, “Oh really.”)

      I am glad you got away, FABLibber. To hell with those slimy, creepy bastards. The last time I was at a bar, I wasn’t cruising either, and I nearly got the shit kicked out of me by some neanderthal. The entire mindset makes men a danger to women (again, preaching to the choir).

      • joy says:

        Also, I believe the site is wrong and the lyric is “put my wiles to rest”. Even better! *cough*

        Yeah, so I may have listened to this song more than once. It’s catchy, and I have some knowledge of the individuals who made it*, that they’re intending this as pastiche (of course, see my previous blog entry “f-art” for how I feel about the success rates of pastiche).

        But of course, even if pastiche was 100% successful 100% of the time, that doesn’t make the above words any less true, thus any less creepy.

        * I am also not going to be alone in any rooms with any of these individuals any time soon, either. Because I try never to be alone in a room with a person who’s, in essence, carrying a loaded gun. Even if they don’t really intend to shoot me or anybody with it.

      • FAB Libber says:

        I am also not going to be alone in any rooms with any of these individuals any time soon, either. Because I try never to be alone in a room with a person who’s, in essence, carrying a loaded gun. Even if they don’t really intend to shoot me or anybody with it.
        Very true.
        Being alone with them (the predators) is a bit like an antelope going to the waterhole alone when it is surrounded by a bunch of lions or leopards. Even just the one being there is dangerous enough.

  3. Sargassosea says:

    YAY! Now we can hang out at Joy’s too!

    I’ve gone so *separatist* the last year that I (mainly) refuse to listen to man voices so I could only listen to the song for about 30 seconds!

    “…and unconventional time signatures (I am a sucker for those unconventional time signatures).”

    Yeah, who isn’t sister 🙂

    • joy says:

      Hi, s4! Come ‘n hang out!

      Good for you on separatism! It’s quite the healthy life choice.
      I can’t read books by dudes anymore, don’t like watching them as protagonists in films/television/plays … culture by and for dudes is a major downer.
      But I’m a synesthete, and also work in music, so that part of my life is kind of a holdover.

      That being said, I am somewhat of a music snob and very picky (material for a future thread). I won’t listen to, for example, Modest Mouse because evidence overwhelmingly suggests the lead singer is a rapist, and I got laid off of contributing to one blog because I refuse to listen to a major blues artist who’s a misogynist douche.

      I like this band because they’re pretty clever (everything they say has at least two if not three or more meanings — double or triple entendres, plus multiple figures of speech and wordplays — evidence that this song is a largely-failed application of irony/pastiche as opposed to a disturbing confessional or woe-is-me wankfest a la Eminem, although that doesn’t make it any less true or creepy) and they use many instruments inventively and well. I like their sound. If I knew of a band like this that was comprised entirely of women, I would listen to that band all the time.

      But I’ve felt the music portion of my blog has been too dude-heavy, so before I got the idea to do this post, I was going to balance it out with some patriarchy-blaming from Dawn Landes. Which is next on the agenda.

    • FAB Libber says:

      I have been separatist for many years now*
      It’s very peaceful and contented.

      *as much as possible of course, because to be totally dude-free would mean I would have to start despatching them.

      • joy says:

        Likewise.

        I can’t afford to be a total separatist right now, because I’m on the road, but it’s very peaceful and I’m at my best when I can be completely alone or in the company of other likeminded women. One of the many ways it pays to be a loner at heart.

  4. Pingback: Honky-tonk: Women’s reality | paleotrees

  5. joy says:

    http://paleotrees.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/honky-tonk-womens-reality/

    Ta-daa! Balancing out the dude-heaviness with the sweet sweet sound of Dawn Landes. Does she blame the patriarchy? I don’t know. But I sure can.

  6. Jennie says:

    I always saw whatwas going on in het bars and clubs when I was very young. I think the first one I went to was my last!When I tried gay and lesbian bars-I had instantly felt home.. Are we the only ones who can see through the bullshit of het “dating?” When a bunch of guys go out together at night or whenever, and women are present and booze is being served, you can bet that’s when the games begin. Those guys aren’t looking for love. And the sad thing is that there will always be one woman there who hopes and hopes that this may be her chance of meeting mr. right. It’s like these men and women have two very different agendas! I’d hate to be in either of their shoes!

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